The word partner is not new. According to Jen Doll’s reporting in the Atlantic, the term arose around the 14th century to connote a more equal relationship between a married man and woman, in comparison to the gendered marriage terms husband and wife that’d been used since the 11th and ninth centuries respectively. Husband originally meant “master of the house,” Doll reports, so you can see the need for an update. But of course, the terms husband and wife have endured as well, and their gender-neutral counterparts still catch eyes. That’s why Jennifer Siebel Newsom, who is married to California’s governor Gavin Newsom, made headlines when she announced she’d be referred to as “first partner” instead of “first lady.” Especially when it comes to marriage, some married people “might feel that the terms wife or husband have some traditional implications or historical weight that doesn’t reflect their relationship,” Melamed says. Using partner, on the other hand, is “a way to express equity in the relationship” with one single word. Partner is free from all the cultural baggage layered onto all its gendered alternatives. Not everybody fits into the categories of boyfriend and girlfriend or husband and wife. Because of the binary genders implied in those terms, they’re generally not applicable to nonbinary people. In general, society as a whole ought to be adopting language that doesn’t completely erase nonbinary people from the picture—that’s why you’ll see many media publications increasingly using the word “partner” instead of any of the gendered alternatives. The gender-neutral word also destabilizes heteronormativity more broadly by forcing people to ditch their assumptions about what kind of person you’re dating. (For example, as a prolific sex writer, I write about my own relationship regularly without mentioning my partner’s name, and that word choice prompts you to recognize that you have no clue about what my partner’s gender is. It challenges people to avoid assumptions.) More importantly, partner more accurately describes what a healthy romantic relationship really looks like: a partnership. It’s two people who’ve got each other’s backs, who are collaborating on their lives together, and who are tackling life’s tribulations and triumphs together in a mutually satisfying way. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
