As such, we can arrive at a definition of a toxic family, too: A toxic family is one wherein family members regularly display actions that hurt or otherwise negatively affect each other. Neo adds that it’s important to distinguish being toxic from acting toxic, noting that “the first is when it’s ingrained in our personality, and we actively enjoy hurting others; the second corresponds to aspects of our behaviors.” In any case, being around toxic people—particularly within your home and/or family—can be detrimental to someone’s mental health. “It can also affect one’s self-worth, self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-love,” she tells mbg. “And oftentimes, when an individual is in a toxic family or there’s a toxic individual in the family, it’s a highly anxious environment, which affects the way they view the house, their family but also other people and the world in general.” Indeed, having a toxic family has far-reaching effects, with licensed marriage and family therapist Rachel Zar, LMFT, CST, explaining that it can even go on to affect your attachment style. “Being trapped in a long-term and unsafe environment can have really long-term impact. It might show up in other relationships—you might notice that it’s really hard to get close to other people, that you’re self-sabotaging when it comes to relationships, or you have difficulty trusting others,” she explains. Nuñez says that anybody who uses verbal words to make another family member feel less than is exhibiting toxicity (aka verbal abuse) and adds that even violent behavior that’s not directed at you (i.e., punching holes in the wall) is still unacceptable and a major red flag. “The biggest sign of being in a toxic family dynamic is the way you’re feeling, either when you’re around your family or in anticipation of seeing your family,” Zar explains. Some other emotions to watch out for are low self-esteem, feeling helpless around your family, and irritability, she adds. Nuñez notes that toxic family members often want you to engage—almost like they get off on it. “It’s really important to identify what your boundaries are and to express those boundaries to the individual—that this is your bottom line. But if that doesn’t go well, then disengage,” she says. “Give yourself permission to say, ‘Hey, I feel angry or resentful, and I need to talk about this,’” licensed psychotherapist Babita Spinelli, L.P., previously suggested to mbg. Nuñez adds it’s also a good idea to soften your delivery using language that’s not directed at them, using “I” statements rather than “you” statements (i.e., “I feel sad when you make negative comments about me,” instead of “You always criticize me and make me feel like crap.”) And remember, no matter how the conversation goes, you can only control your own actions. While this means the family member in question may still respond in a toxic way, you can control how you respond. “It’s really important to empower oneself that you are in control. You are in control of your own behaviors, actions, thoughts, and not the toxic person. So if you do feel like somebody is placing blame or making you feel less than, that’s their own stuff,” Nuñez says. The difference is that the boundary is not a question; it’s a clear directive, and more importantly, it’s something enforced by your actions instead of waiting on them to change. Zar notes that boundaries only work when you can hold them yourself, regardless of the other person’s behavior. As Nuñez points out, the only thing you can control is you. When you’re living from a self-empowered place, toxic family dynamics will have that much less of an effect on you. “Find a professional you can talk to about identifying some of these toxic behaviors because oftentimes when an individual has toxic relationships within a family or somebody’s toxic, they’re unable to identify it because they ’think it’s normal,’” Nuñez explains. And not only can a professional help you identify the toxic patterns but further, they can help you understand how they’re affecting you, learn how to deal with them, and learn how to set and hold those boundaries we keep mentioning. Whether you decide to go no-contact, limit how often you see your family, or just try to put up with things as they are, being able to accept it for what it is will take some of that mental burden off. “It’s very, very hard to change a family dynamic without everybody’s consent or agreement, so part of the work is accepting that this is the way that your family is going to show up,” Zar says. (Here’s more on how to deal with a toxic family if change isn’t possible.) If you are in immediate danger, call 9-1-1. For anonymous and confidential help, you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233 or TTY 1-800-787-3224) and speak with a trained advocate for free as many times as you need. They’re available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. You can also speak to them through a live private chat on their website.
