That love for hands-on intimacy is exactly what the physical touch love language is all about. Kissing, hugging, holding hands, and sex are all ways of showing love through the physical touch love language. Most specifically, having touch as a love language means that small physical gestures—such as having a partner put their arm around you in public or snuggle up close to you on the couch while watching TV together—matter a lot more to you than things like gifts or saying “I love you.” There’s a physiological reason physical touch is so enjoyable: That skin-to-skin contact triggers the release of certain hormones associated with pleasure and bonding, explains licensed marriage and family therapist Kiaundra Jackson, LMFT, of KW Couples Therapy. “If someone’s love language is physical touch, they may or may not know it, but they enjoy the release of the ‘feel-good hormones’ our body secretes like serotonin, dopamine, and oxytocin,” Jackson tells mbg. “Oxytocin is known as the bonding hormone. That hormone is the same hormone released between a newborn baby and its mother, which is why skin-to-skin contact is highly recommended for bonding after childbirth.” “When you hear that someone’s love language is physical touch, it can be easy to assume that this means sexual touching, but that is not necessarily the case,” psychotherapist Rhonda Richards-Smith, LCSW, tells mbg. “If you find your partner’s touch to be soothing, relaxing, and gives you that extra boost that you need, chances are physical touch is one of your love languages.” Likewise, if you’re someone who loves sex and wants a lot of it, that does not necessarily mean your love language is physical touch. “Physical touch can include sex, but it does not have to,” Jackson says. “If you want more sex, just say it! If you want other things and not just sex, say that too!” Richards-Smith recommends booking a massage for them or gifting them with a weighted blanket or ingredients for a warm drink to have a tactile experience of love from afar, or you can send a piece of clothing (maybe something with your smell on it?) that’ll feel good on their skin and remind them of you. “Video calls also provide us with a unique opportunity to communicate with our partners in a nonverbal way,” she says. “Smiling, winking, and blowing kisses are all great ways to express your love physically, without needing to touch your partner.” (Here’s more on how to make a long-distance relationship work. Also relevant: how to have great phone sex.) These physical displays of love matter more than words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time, and gifts. If you’re dating someone with the physical touch love language, make sure to ask if there are any types of touch that they particularly like or don’t like. But in general, prioritizing these hands-on ways of showing you love them will go a long way. With her warm, playful approach to coaching and facilitation, Kelly creates refreshingly candid spaces for processing and healing challenges around dating, sexuality, identity, body image, and relationships. She’s particularly enthusiastic about helping softhearted women get re-energized around the dating experience and find joy in the process of connecting with others. She believes relationships should be easy—and that, with room for self-reflection and the right toolkit, they can be. You can stay in the loop about her latest programs, gatherings, and other projects through her newsletter: kellygonsalves.com/newsletter
