Does this sound familiar? It’s not just you. I’m a therapist as well as a dating coach. As such, I’m well aware that many people re-entering the dating field after a bad experience are understandably cautious. They have seen the darkness and felt the pain of losing love. On some level, you know you’re protecting yourself from being hurt again, but you can’t control the way you feel. It’s like knowing you should eat a healthy meal but having absolutely no appetite. What to do? When you are confident in your good judgment, in your ability to protect yourself, and in your clarity about your needs, you have nothing to fear from other people. When you feel safe, when you feel strong, your excitement about possibilities naturally increases. You’re free to feel attraction and even hope. Many of my clients who have been traumatized by past relationships feel that the primary betrayal they experienced was their betrayal of themselves. They accepted things they shouldn’t have. They tolerated mistreatment for too long. They dismissed their inner wisdom and suffered the consequences. Now they don’t trust themselves not to make the same mistakes again. These are all big, complicated questions. However, when the answer to those questions is yes, you have nothing to fear in meeting new people. When you trust yourself to tell the difference between a keeper and a loser, dating becomes fun again. When you are able to quickly identify and cut loose the ones who are not worthy of your love, you will stay safe. If you’re finding it hard to put yourself back out there, it could mean that you haven’t restored trust in yourself yet. The courage to trust again requires trusting yourself. You have the power to go slowly and choose not to let your feelings overwhelm your inner wisdom. Remind yourself that it takes a long time to get to know people, and that character is revealed over time. Stay true to your values and yourself. You will feel stronger and more empowered when you remind yourself of these truths: You don’t need to immediately trust other people when you trust yourself to make good decisions. You are worthy of love and respect. With those intentions firmly in mind, you’re going to date with confidence—and find a new partner who is worthy of your love and respect, too.
