With cordial contact, we are mindful not to be too self-revealing. We make sure to keep conversations and emotions superficial, positive, and pleasant and largely about our toxic family members. Because they love feeling as if everything is about them, we can use this as a workable strategy, knowing we’re doing it on purpose as a way to keep ourselves safe from unwanted drama, at least to the best of our ability. Knowing we’re doing this on purpose helps us to avoid beating ourselves up for always acquiescing our needs to our toxic family members as a way to make them happy. Cordial contact can work, at least in the short term. The problem is that our manipulative family members do not like it when things are peaceful or cordial, so they are likely to get under our skin in one way or another, striving to cause us to lose control of our objective and end up back in their web of destruction. The bottom line is this. When our toxic family members sense we’ve pulled away or are pulling back, they escalate their manipulations because they do not respect any of our needs for space. They do not want us having the space or time to think rationally about our relationship with them because once we do, they get exposed and lose. For this reason, the middle ground is the worst place to be with our toxic family members. They have no idea how to function in that arena. They prefer to be all in or all out. When our toxic family members feel the gray area between us, what they usually do is cut ties with us. We have every right to protect ourselves from those who manipulate and emotionally abuse us. At one point we loved our toxic family members and wanted them in our lives more than anything else. Yet at too many points in time, we sacrificed our happiness to serve theirs, shut our mouth when we desperately wanted to speak up, and did what they wanted because doing that was easier than dealing with their drama. We must understand that our toxic family members have simply walked us to the door we’re now choosing to shut. Nevertheless, here is what I know for sure. It is far better to make the decision to go no-contact and break our own heart than it is to stay in a relationship in which our toxic family members break our heart over and over. RELATED STORY: Toxic Family: 9 Signs Of A Toxic Relative + How To Deal The more you fight the smearing, the bigger the gossip and lies become and the crazier you will look to others. Our toxic family members smear us for the sole purpose of trying to rob us of the very support system we need and deserve to have in place. They want to ensure we are robbed of having a soft place to fall and that we do not have people on our side supporting our decision. If we want to be healthy, we must prepare for the fact that when we leave our toxic family members, we will likely also be forced to leave behind many others who connect us to them. We must be OK with this, embracing it as an acceptable loss. I have experienced in my own life and watched others who have also been in a similar position have things turn out better than fine when they make these decisions. In some ways this is a blind journey, to be sure. We cannot predict all that will happen. But I believe whenever we activate positively for our mental and emotional health, we find that what has been left gaping and empty in our lives will eventually be replaced by situations and people that are better and healthier for us. She not only works with patients in her private practice but also mentors and shares her expertise with others throughout the United States and worldwide. In her private practice, she specializes in psychotherapy with adults and teenagers, providing marriage and family therapy, counseling for grief, and offering advice on childhood trauma, sexual issues, personality disorders, illness, and more.
