I’ve been married for almost 10 years to a wonderful man. Over the last five years, we/he has struggled with medical erectile dysfunction. (I hate those words.) We have tried many ways to continue to enjoy sex — orally, manually, using medication, which sometimes helps for a few minutes but more often does not. I fear that since so much time has passed, anxiety is now adding to the problem. We’ve discussed him seeing a therapist and perhaps couples counseling, but I can only encourage him. He still has yet to actually make steps to address it. I’ve done so much research on how to support him and read so much about how to turn off my longing that I’ve become almost incapable of having an orgasm — even by myself. I feel like I’m going to implode sometimes, and thoughts of clandestine sex with strangers test my fidelity. What I can do to calm myself and my jangling desires, ease my frustration, and continue to provide the attention my husband needs to achieve orgasm without becoming resentful or thinking of sex with him as a chore or feeling too guilty to enjoy it? It’s tearing me apart in mind, body, and spirit. I hate the words “erectile dysfunction” too. Doctors are so quick to put labels on issues they can’t fix. But, in the world of holistic health, people often have breakthroughs when they try alternative methods. Your first instinct might be to reach for Viagra or some other erectile “dysfunction” pill. But let me walk you through a few of the holistic checklists that I use with my clients who experience this problem. In my work with tens of thousands of people struggling with sexual satisfaction, I try to tap into those moments when they instinctively numb themselves from a sexual response. Try to get him to remember what might’ve happened to him around the time the issue started. And here’s a to-do list for you, too. It may seem counteractive to give him a deadline, especially if he’s already feeling anxious, but say to him, “I love you. I want to save our relationship. This is important to me, and it’s important for us. I know you feel embarrassed and ashamed, but we have to do this.” One technique to try is the tantric breast massage. This is all about your pleasure, so don’t even worry about his arousal. Take the pressure off him and focus on you. Have him create a sensual scene that relaxes you — candles, soft music, incense. He’ll start by dripping coconut oil between your breasts and massaging you gently around the breasts, on your belly, and just above your pubic bone. Once you feel turned on, he can move on to massaging your breasts. Here, he can start by circling the breasts, then gently squeezing and massaging them. It’s OK to instruct him along the way and let him know what feels good. Once your body responds and wants more, he can move onto your nipples. Here, he’ll start by tracing the areolae with a featherlike touch until the nipples become erect. Then he can move on to pinching. Pinching from the root of the nipple stimulates oxytocin. This mimics breastfeeding, so it should be a firm pinch that may feel painful for a second, but then become a rush of pleasure. If you pinch the nipples harder, there is a larger surge of oxytocin and more pleasure. From the strong pinch, you can move on to the rolling technique. Start pinching the nipples firmly at the root and begin rolling the nipple between the thumb and index finger. Play with varying pressure from lighter to very strong. Rolling can create even deeper waves of oxytocin release. Keep breathing through all of this, and if your mind wanders, focus on the sound of your breath. Using all of these techniques in concert, the way they feel most effective and comfortable to you and your partner, you have every hope of reawakening both of your sex drives, and fulfilling your desire in new, even deeper ways. Isadora passed away on March 26, 2017. During her life, Psalm made a name for herself as a bold, outspoken sex, relationships, and trauma expert who lived to inspire the next generation of women. She demystified the ancient secrets of Tantra to make them accessible to the modern masses. Raised in a religious cult as a child, Isadora endured years of sexual trauma that eventually ignited her passion to teach sexual empowerment and modern sex ed. In 2007, Isadora traveled to India to immerse herself in the ancient teachings of Tantra to facilitate deep healing and discover her own path as a healer. For eight years, Isadora traveled to India to delve deeper into the path of Tantra and teach yoga to sex-trafficked women in the red light district of Calcutta, work that would eventually become part of a documentary titled Shakti. She studied the Śrī Vidyā tradition of Tantra under spiritual guru Sri Amritananda (Guruji) in Pradesh, India, and was initiated into Shakti Tantra Yoga. We will miss you, Psalm. You will certainly never be forgotten.
