If you’re already in touch with your mom, but you’ve been avoiding the subject that leads to tension, consider setting up a time to talk. “Don’t get pressured into disclosing the subject before you are prepared and ready,” Hallett says. Showing compassion doesn’t mean you have to completely dismiss past hurts or difficulties, she explains. It does mean, however, that you recognize not everyone has the same inner resources to make decisions you think are best. One way to really start to understand your mother better is to ask her questions about her upbringing. This may give you a better sense of her motivations and the way she responds to conflict. Some people, especially from older generations, may be reluctant to talk about their pasts, especially if they were hard. Let your mom know that you simply want to get to know her better and understand your history. In fact, “there’s a strong likelihood that you and your mother see things from a different perspective,” Hallett adds. This doesn’t mean either of you is necessarily right or wrong, but sometimes when it comes to our parents, our familiarity and many years of experiences together can make us feel more willing to be unyielding in a way that we wouldn’t be with other people. Be open to understanding your mom’s perspective. Even if she doesn’t understand yours, having an open mind can help you begin to move forward. Active listening is the opposite of that. When you’re in a conversation with your mom, clear your mind and focus only on listening to what she’s saying. Don’t think about what you’re going to say next, why she’s wrong, or judging her for being the way she is. Try to understand her side of the story, even if you don’t agree with it. “Active listening strengthens your understanding of what she’s actually communicating, increases a sense of connection, and offers an opportunity for a new type of interaction,” says Hallett. Try to avoid comparing your relationship with your mom to those you see on TV, to your friends, or to anyone. All parent-child relationships are unique. Just focus on how you can improve your particular relationship with your mother. If your mom has listened to you, validated your feelings, and apologized for her actions, be willing to offer forgiveness. If all you receive is blame and attack, then it will be nearly impossible to have a good relationship, Hendel explains. Furthermore, if a relationship is abusive in any way (physical, emotional, verbal, etc.), Hallett recommends cutting off contact completely. “We are allowed to…take a break—or end—a relationship that is toxic.” If you’ve yet to repair your relationship by the time Mother’s Day approaches, show yourself compassion. These holidays can be challenging for people who don’t have the desired relationships with their parents. Acknowledge that, and then make plans to connect with friends, family members, or someone who has acted like a mother to you. “You can also try to remember times with your mother that were positive,” Hallett says. “Accept that you may have mixed feelings, and that is totally OK.”
