Just keep in mind that this is not always the case, especially if the liar in question opts to lie by withholding the truth. Of course, you can always open up an honest dialogue and ask them yourself (which we’ll get into shortly), but if you’re not interested in having that conversation yet, there are some other helpful things to know. Your intuition, for one thing, may be better than any clues this person is going to give you—and that’s according to research. One 2014 study published in the journal Psychological Science4 notes that lies may actually be more accurately detected when “less-conscious mental processes” (like intuition) are used. “In two experiments, we demonstrated that indirect measures of deception detection are significantly more accurate than direct measures,” the study authors explain. It’s also important to understand the person you’re dealing with, according to Birkel and Spinelli. They both note that regardless of whether it’s right or wrong, people have their own motivations or conditioning that compel them to lie, whether they had to lie to get through a tumultuous childhood, or they’re engaging in some sort of defensive strategy. So if you think someone could have a clear motivation for lying, that’s definitely something to think about. However, Birkel also notes it’s equally important to check yourself if you’re someone who tends to think the worst, catastrophize, or experience paranoia. Beyond that, you can consider confronting the person, perhaps asking them to get more specific with their story, Birkel suggests. But of course, there’s no way to know if they’re going to be honest, and they may be especially less likely to be truthful if you call them a liar. Ultimately, Birkel tells mbg, “I don’t think there’s any way of really knowing, and one of the most important things is to have a really clear sense of your own boundaries.” Birkel says it’s up to you whether the lie is worth confronting. Consider how important the context actually is, what the consequences could be if the behavior goes unchecked or unresolved, and what you understand about this person, he adds. “It is best to take a pause and reflect on their why,” adds Spinelli. And again, it’s important to figure out what your boundaries are. If you do decide you want to confront the issue, Spinelli says it’s important to do so gently and without attacking, as this will likely upset anyone. “You may want to approach them with, ‘I noticed that there was something off in what you said. Are you sure that what you shared is actually what you meant to say?’” she explains. You can also let them know you’d like to have a conversation at a time when you’re both calm and can have some privacy. “Hear them out first and explore their motivation without criticism but with curiosity,” she says, adding, “You can then decide after that what you may want to do with this situation—maintain the relationship, set boundaries, and/or share what you would expect moving forward.” Speaking of moving forward, according to Birkel, this is where it will be really important for you to honor your own boundaries and know when to disengage (either from the conversation or the person entirely). If they won’t admit the truth, that’s their problem, not yours, he says, noting that you can say outright, “This doesn’t feel very open or authentic to me; I need to take a break from this conversation.” And if they have admitted they were lying, Birkel says, you can offer some solutions or expectations for how you’d like things to be handled in the future. For example, you could say, “Let’s make a plan about how to avoid these kind of communication issues in the future,” he suggests.
